


All About Richard

by magpiesyndrome (Naina), Naina



Category: The Grand Tour (TV) RPF
Genre: F/M, Ficlet a day, Ficlets, Irreverence, M/M, Multi, Personal Challenge, silliness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 06:37:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14636126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naina/pseuds/magpiesyndrome, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naina/pseuds/Naina
Summary: In April, six months after NaNoWriMo, I decided to give myself another themed writing challenge. This time the subject was another English gentleman and Top Gear/Grand Tour host: Richard Hammond. Because I enjoy reading and writing fic pairing him with my NaNo subject, James May, some of these ficlets  complement the NaNo ones.This is still a work in progress, despite April having ended.





	1. No Pranks, Thanks

“You should thank me,” James says in lieu of a greeting, when they’re back at work on Monday.

Richard stashes his bag under his desk and eyes James, standing in his office doorway. “Er, why’s that?”

“You were visiting with your mum and dad yesterday, yes?”

“Yep, Easter services, lunch, etc.”

“Also April Fools’. And guess who had the bright idea to sneak onto your property and mess with Oliver?”

Knowing for a fact that his little Opel was safe and sound in his barn, Richard’s able to calm his breathing within ten seconds. “And how did you talk him out of it?”

“I didn’t. He decided to go for the ‘82 Porsche instead.” James says with a little shrug.

“Well, I know that all of my vehicles that were on the property and in working order on Saturday, were still so this morning.”

James tips his head back against the door frame, a devious smile creasing his face. “Maybe so, but something went wrong with his Golf, and as it was both a Sunday and a holiday…”


	2. Appreciation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by episode 12x05 of Top Gear. That’s the one where James and Richard race from Portofino to St. Tropez using a big, pricey speedboat and a gorgeous little Ferrari Daytona. Here’s what might have happened afterwards. Could be gen or pre-slash.

Day 4: Appreciation

They stay at the bar as afternoon fades into evening, sipping their beers and watching the crew maneuver to get reaction shots. There doesn’t seem to be an end to the stream of people pausing to give the Ferrari an appreciative glance, or stopping to pose for pictures with it. Once the car has drawn a crowd, so does the crew and, of course, he and James. Requests for autographs and pictures keep them there longer than he expects; James finally stumbles to his feet, muttering apologies, and Richard follows suit. They thank the fans, and Richard hands his colleague the promised keys for the short drive to their hotel.

“You go on up to the rooms,” Richard says after they’ve parked and checked in. “I’ll see if I can find something for your back.”

James only nods and heads for the elevator, his back considerably more rounded than usual.

The hotel’s concierge gives him directions to the nearest chemist (somewhat overpriced, being in the midst of tourist attractions); Richard knocks on James’s door almost an hour later, bearing painkillers, a heating pad, and dinner from a nearby bistro.


	3. Barn Babies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kittens!

“Which ones aren't spoken for?”

Richard looks up at his wife’s question, and straightens from a crouch. The cat he’d been petting chirps and trots toward the kittens in question.

“The solid grey, the tuxedo, and that darker ginger. This is Aggie’s fifth or sixth litter, I figure I'll have her fixed now.”

The mama cat - Aggie - sits down amidst her five offspring and grabs one to bathe. The ginger and tuxedo kittens have engaged in truly acrobatic play with a clump of straw, leading Richard to voice his decision. “I'd like to take those two, Minds. Rucksack could teach them their manners.”

His wife agrees. Three weeks later, they come back to pick up the two boy kittens.


	4. Fusker

Richard is the one to notice that James seems to want a pet. It’s Mindy who decides the tuxedo kitten will go to him.

Part of it is that two or so weeks after coming home, the kitten still hisses at the girls, and they don’t want their daughters to get hurt. They don’t want to abandon the little guy either; if James turns him down, he could certainly be a barn cat.

Such is the plan when Richard and Mindy show up in Hammersmith for a scheduled lunch with James.

“Hello, Hammonds,” James greets them.

The scent of freshly baked chicken pot pies wafts into the foyer. Richard’s stomach growls, almost covering the kitten’s yowl.

James eyes the oversized paper bag Mindy’s holding as they move into the kitchen. “Why does that sound like a cat?”

“Because there’s one in it,” Mindy answers. She sets the bag on the kitchen table and lifts the kitten sized carrier out. “We adopted him and his brother a few weeks ago and thought you’d like a pet.”

“I have been considering it,” James says. He opens the carrier door and the kitten bounds out immediately, tackling James’s hand the moment it moves. “Ouch! You’re a right little demon, aren’t you?”

“He is, a bit,” Richard says, then adds, “more than a bit. He sort of terrorized the dogs, and he’s barely twelve weeks old.”

“Well, if he can keep my shed clear of mice and rats, he’ll have a home with me.” James lifts a squirming kitten up and meets devious green eyes. “He’s a Fusker if I’ve ever seen one.”


	5. Present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> June 10, 2017 in Hemberg, Switzerland, and shortly after. Hints of pre-slash.

He’s being carried on a litter to an ambulance helicopter, and out of the corner of his right eye, he sees the ghastly green print of James’s shirt. In the air, while an IV is being inserted, he reaches out with his free hand and grabs hold of his friend’s sleeve. James scoots closer, as much as he can in the crowded cabin, and mouths, “I’ll ring Mindy once we’ve landed.”

In the hospital, after scans and between tests and prep for surgery, James is there. (As are a rattled Jeremy and a thoroughly shaken Phil, among others.) James is the one who sneaks him some gin, but makes certain it’s only enough to soften his anxiety. It’s James who can recite his medical history without pause, and James who keeps Mindy in the loop. He’s the one to get little sleep on an uncomfortable hospital cot and say not a word about it. Aside from medical staff, James is the last person Richard sees before he’s put under, and the first when he blinks stupidly awake.

James greets Richard’s wife and daughters as though they were his sister and nieces, and Richard is moved beyond comprehension.

Weeks later, Mindy sits him down with some books and a tablet, and they begin to draft a proposal.


	6. Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summer, 2017. Allusions to pre-slash.

He’s sore at the end of his appointment, but by all the results, his recovery is going perfectly. The crutches remain for now, and in a few weeks the doctors will let him start bearing a little bit of weight.

This is all good news. It’s great news for someone like him, with his low threshold for boredom and excess energy.

Exiting his doctor’s office, though, all Richard can think about is Mindy’s lunch with James, and how well their discussion might have gone. It sounds odd to think of it as a proposal, even if that’s exactly what it was.


	7. Theoretical

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows my short AU fic In Theory. Set during filming of Top Gear 7x01.

There are few things Richard loves more than hugging James from behind and leaning into him, cheek resting on his shoulder blade. He’s doing it as much for warmth as out of affection while filming on the Isle of Man. “Warming up?” He asks, muffled by layers of shirt, jumper and anorak.

“My back’s nice and warm, yeah, but my front’s all chilly,” he hears and feels James reply. “Come around here, I don’t think Rob will complain if we have a bit of a cuddle.”

Richard scoots around him quickly, grabbing the umbrella to help keep it over them when the wind picks up. They share a brief kiss before he settles in, James’ arms wrapping easily around him.

Rob does a double take, taken aback but trying not to be obvious about it.

“Is there a problem?”

“No! No, there isn’t,” the sound assistant answers, face reddening. “I honestly had no idea the two of you were, er, a couple. That’s all. I apologise.”

Richard and James exchange raised brows. “You didn’t know?”

“Hadn’t a clue. I don’t pay a bit of attention to the rumor mill, never have. How long’s it been?”

Richard tries to cover a startled laugh with a cough. “Eleven years, actually.”


	8. Block

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filming GT episodes 9 & 10 in Namibia.

The third day they’re out in the Namibian desert, he forgets to put sunblock on. Since his buggy’s tire rack provides shade, he doesn’t realize it until the afternoon, after a particularly terrifying slide down the side of a dune.

He flexes his hands around the steering wheel. His knuckles appear pale as normal before flooding pink again.

“Crap.”

While the crew are still occupied filming his colleagues’ treacherous descents, he digs around in his bag for the tubes of aloe and sunblock. Both are thoroughly applied to his hands, wrists, face and neck. For added protection, he wraps his hands in two of the many white neckerchiefs he’d packed as spares.

(One part of playing a ponce had come in useful, so there was that.)


	9. Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows Present and Action. Technically pre-slash.

It’s a good thing the route from his house to London is clear, because Richard is driving on autopilot. He’d be able to react to an accident, sure, but his mind is at least 70% not on the road at any given moment, and that percentage seems to be increasing the closer he gets to the city limits, then Hammersmith.

Today’s the day. The date, rather. His and James’s first date. That’s what it’s been referred to, by the other three.

He and Mindy and Sarah and James have spent a good chunk of time over the last several weeks reading through books and consulting articles (because it turns out there truly is a lot of proper research, real academic work, being done on polyamory) and, god help them, asking questions on various online forums, then writing and revising an agreement that worked for all of them. His copy of it is in his bag with his change of clothes and toiletries.

They’ll be having dinner, tonight. For this date. And then he’s supposed to stay over.

“Oh, Christ.” He needs fresh air and promptly cracks the window, not caring that the air conditioning is still on.

Only three-ish miles to go. Muscle memory has fully taken over, now.

He’s fucking terrified. There’s no harm in admitting that to himself. Richard’s done a variety of scary things in his life, maybe more than the average bloke. The only thing that comes close to what he (and James) are about to do, on a scale of mentally shitting oneself in terror, is have children.


	10. Hues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Follows Colors. Pre-slash?

Back in the autumn, the admission Richard had made linking the leaves and his former hair color had been a shock, but James would have struggled to explain why. It had sounded and felt like a flirtation, something that had they both been single, he would have taken as such. But they both aren’t, and he hadn’t. Even with Richard spelling it out for him, it’s not quite sinking in. Richard - “go ugly early”, weird blend of hipster, metrosexual and rural farmer Richard - fancies him?

“Er…May?”

He jerks back to himself. “Sorry. I. I had no idea.”

“Yeah, I figured. Not that I expected you to. But…”

“But what?”

Hammond drops his head to stare at the gravel path. “I never thought I’d ask you this, not in seriousness-”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t ask it at all,” James’s interjection comes just as Richard blurts out “are you bisexual?”

They stare at each other, Richard looking away first, pale with embarrassment.

“Yes,” James answers. “In the past, anyway.”

Richard’s back to staring at him again, this time with a mixture of curiosity and something uncomfortably like hope. “Only in the past?”

“Well, it’s got to be thirty or so years since the last time I was with a man, and I’m happy to be solidly heterosexual with Sarah, so: yes.”


	11. 420

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filming Top Gear 14x01 in Romania.

As it turned out, combining Swiss cannabis iced tea and plum liquor was not the wisest choice.

The woozy dizziness came in waves, ebbing away until he felt nearly normal, then taking him out at the knees. Lying down in the Ferrari’s cramped backseat gave him a hideous case of the spins. The front seat wasn’t much of an improvement, given the contortions he had to do to avoid the gear lever, but the seat backs did recline. The scratchy blanket was warm, though, and eventually he fell asleep.

The dreams were damn near hallucinogenic: standing at the bottom of the world’s tallest waterfall, judging hippos and ostriches on their diving form; being stuck on the M4 behind an unending line of caravans, all of which were on fire; watching James, dressed in the full Tottenham Hotspurs kit - including cleats - insist on playing a random national anthem on the bagpipes.

It was a rough night’s sleep. Waking the next morning with a CD stuck to his cheek felt utterly mundane after that.


	12. Sales

“Wait a minute,” Jeremy held up a hand, and Andy paused. “Whose idea was this?”

Their producer nodded toward Rich Porter, who flipped through his notebook. “A YouTube user called ‘FezzaGTO89’. If they’re on DriveTribe, it’s under a different name.”

James sputtered through swallowing his mouthful of tea. “You’re actually taking viewers’ suggestions seriously?” 

Beside him on the sofa, Richard added his agreement. “Yeah, like that could ever end well. How do we know they won’t ask for credit?”

“We can address that later,” Andy stared the three presenters down. When they were quiet (though still grumbly), he picked a small black bin from his desk and held it out. “This is how we’ll determine which dealerships each of you will work for. You pick a card at random; there are cards for twenty dealerships in here. All of them are hiring salespeople, so that’s who you’ll contact.”

“What if we apply, but don’t get an interview, or the job?”

Andy shook the bin. “Then you come back and pick another card. And don’t think you can get picky and fake it ‘til you get a high-end make, Jeremy. We excluded those.”

Clarkson scowled, then pulled a pitiful face. “Not even Lexus?”

“We took out Audi, Acura, BMW, Bentley, Maserati, Ferrari, Porsche, Lotus, McLaren, Mercedes-”

“Aright!” James snapped, cutting Porter off. “Let’s just pick our cards, then.”

Each presenter reached into the bin Andy proffered and withdrew a card. Very quickly, there was a small chorus of groans and whinging.

“Clarkson, which dealership did you draw?”

“Hatfield & Watford SEAT.” He flipped his colleagues the bird as they both howled with laughter.

“May?”

“Humming Bird Motors, Kia and Mitsubishi.” James looked pensive, like he was willing to give this a fair shot.

“And Hammond?”

Richard didn’t bother fighting the smug grin he felt coming on. “Crown Honda.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if there is a YouTube user named 'FezzaGTO89'. If there is, sorry?
> 
> I would genuinely love to see the lads do a challenge employed as ordinary car salesmen.


	13. Error

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post All About James’s “Colors” and All About Richard’s “Hues”. One-sided pre-slash.

Divulging his feelings to James had been a colossal mistake. Granted, he hadn’t planned on doing so in the first place, not really. But the preserved leaves had rustled in his pocket while the crew filmed Jeremy’s introduction, and James had been gushing over the Bentley, so pleased with everything. When James had said “come see this dashboard, Hammond”, what else was he supposed to do?

Well. Indulge his colleague, obviously. Not abashedly hand him some plastic-wrapped leaves and make the most awkward confession of attraction imaginable. He’d been an idiot, doubly so for ignoring James’s warning and asking about his sexuality.

It hurts to be in the Bentayga. Normally, he’d agree with Jeremy on the quilted leather, and find the interior relaxing on the whole (though the price was beyond the pale), but the previous afternoon, he’d sat in the passenger seat and had his hopes (vague though they were) crushed. Now, he keeps up his side of the banter, voices his opinion on the Bentayga’s exterior, and valiantly keeps a stone face when Jeremy compares the Bentley’s ugliness to James’s own appearance.

“A crushing criticism from one so handsome,” James ripostes. Richard doesn’t dare try to meet his eyes.

Yeah. It’s going to take some time to move past this.


	14. Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I noticed that in Grand Tour 1x12 (“[Censored] to [Censored]”, the one with the Romantic Road, aka the one that started this whole mess) Jeremy states that the date is April 26. In the fictional little world I’ve created, that’s the day after “Error”, and two days after “Colors” and “Hues”. It’s also the date this was posted to Tumblr, so I decided to let Richard have a bit of fun with it.

If asked when filming on the Romantic Road took place, Richard would be able to say “April, 2016”. Not the precise date, but mid-spring, almost May. Other dates loom much larger, have greater meaning than that one. Besides, the rejection he’d faced (gentle as it was, honestly) had remained a sore spot for months after.

It’s been two years, now. Two years after being turned down; two years to the day since he’d sat on the Range Rover’s tailgate beside Jeremy and covered his hurt by cracking jokes about James’s slowness.

Last year, he’d ignored the day’s anniversary.

On this 26th of April, he finishes his early cycling route and gets back to James’s house sweaty and smelling like bus exhaust fumes. May himself hasn’t stirred; he’s right where Richard left him, snoring into a pillow.

He could shower, maybe make some breakfast. Stripping off, sliding under the covers, and waking James in a very sensual manner is a much better idea, and the one he chose.

After a lot of unintelligible noises on James’s part, then some of his own, and using a wad of tissues to clean up the resulting mess (he’ll give blow jobs, sure, but swallowing is a hard no), Richard flopped down next to his mate with a cheesy grin.

“Hey, remember two years ago, when you were all ‘no, I’m perfectly heterosexual and happy’?”

James grabbed a pillow and covered his face with it. A drawn-out groan was still audible. “Yes. I did say something along those lines.”

“Aren’t you happy me and Mindy and Sarah got you to change your mind?”

“Ugh. Yes.”

“Thought so.” Richard stretched lazily. He yelped a moment later, when James moved to cover him, then kiss him breathless.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I am. I’m sorry I didn’t take you seriously, or let you explain.”

“You’ve, uh, more than made up for it,” Richard replied. “That - thank you.”

Spending the rest of the morning showering, eating, and making out certainly helped to chase the old hurt away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to make it absolutely clear that James is in no way coerced or bullied into having relations with Richard. These entries from that little world are parts of a story in progress, and most of it is from James’ point of view. So you will see how he went from “bi in the past, happily straight now”, to where they are.


	15. Ride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have never been on a motorcycle, but I’ve been riding horses since age 4. There is supposed to be a fair bit of overlap on the skill sets. I love that the Hammonds all ride, and delight in the fact that Richard has swung into a saddle on Top Gear and a few of his other shows. He has a decent seat and light hand, too.

When he meets Mindy, Richard has seen a horse up close, but never so much as patted one. Riding a horse? Well, once they’re serious, he figures why not and gives it a go.

Whoever said riding bikes was like riding horses was dead on, he quickly learns. It’s all about balance and position: look where you want to go; the smallest shift of weight can be a big influence. Most importantly: when something goes wrong, it’s the rider’s fault 99% of the time.

He likes riding. Not as much as the motorcycles, but he genuinely does. As he and Mindy marry and their daughters grow, they settle into a small farm, with horses and ponies among the animals making their property a home.

His skill, such as it is, comes up on Top Gear a few times. He rides with a hunt for one film, and in doing so faces his first-ever jump. Harry, the piebald cob lent to him, pops over the small fence easily.

Mindy and their girls were right, he thinks while driving home that afternoon. That tiny, perfect moment in the air was breathtaking.


End file.
